Just another rainy, stormy day.

prnah ntn tom and jerry?

pastinya prnah liat dong adegan dlm slh satu episode, yg kalo misalnya si tokoh lagi melakukan hal bodoh dan tiba2 dy nyadar, mukanya lsg berubah jd donkey dan bertuliskan "jackass"?

that is what i feel right now. i feel sooooo stupid.

kemaren temen2 gw (jessie and azt) drop by my house, and it was unplanned. sempet kelabakan jg, soalnya gw blm mandi gituh, pdhl udah jam 7 loh!! emang dasar, kalo libur suka males mandi... anyways, akhirnya mrk dateng, dan gw tuh udah suspect duluan kalo mereka dateng pasti krn mo bawa kabar soal pak tungka, ato setipe2 gitulah.

dan tebakan gw bener. 

although, it wasnt exactly what i suspected.

overview dulu. jd kemaren itu mrk bedua pgi nonton konser jason mraz jumat kmaren, dan mrk ketemu sama.... aline. singkat cerita, si azt ended up curhat2an sama aline, and this was what she said to me about the conversation:

aline itu trnyata selama ini observe qta2 semua, dan dy jg ngerasa kalo dy tuh dijauhin qta2---

ok, langsung aja to the point, ladies and gentlemen.....

aline bilang gini ke azt: 'lu pikir gw ngga tau apa, si greta suka sama pak tungka??'

".............."

oh my god, she actually knows. dan azt cerita, aline itu 1). ngga seperti yg kita kira. she doesn't have a friend (as in greta-dea-friends-forever kind of friend), and she does her best to fit in with us; 2). dy sama pak tungka memang temenan doang, temen curhat, since point no. 1 occurs, and nothing more; 3). she chose to keep quiet about me liking pak tungka.

yg lebih parah lagi, referring to point no. 2, pak tungka nanya2 soal gw ke aline!! quoting azt, "pak tungka itu prnah sekali nanya soal lu (greta) ke aline.... he asked, knapa si greta kok care banget sama dy..." 

and do you know the best part of it? he thought that it is 'unusual' for a girl like me, being seventeen and so young, to love a guy like him, being thirty-something and undoubtedly old enough to be .... you know.

upon hearing that info, ngga maen2, gw langsung nangis di tempat. 

why, you asked? ya itu tadi. gw berasa bodoooooooooooooohh banget. kyk org paling tolol sekaligus kejam sedunia. gw ngga nyangka gw udah berprejudice segitu parahnya sama temen gw itu!! musuh2in dy, pdhl she's not worth being my enemy... kalo direflect lagi, she didnt even do that much of a 'crime' towards me!! 

and do you know what's worse? she's lonely. 

and i'm being such a bad bitch, saying bad things about her, while she has some problems herself!! gw ngga nyangka gw udah segitu jahatnya sama seseorang, nuduh yg nggak2, ngutuk2 dy di depan tmn2 gw yang laennya.....OH GOD, WHY AM I ACTING LIKE SUCH A SELF-RIGHTEOUS PERSON??

bener2, detik itu juga, gw bener2 nyesel thdp apa yg udah gw perbuat (dan pikirkan) ttg aline. i really need to show her that i feel sorry for treating her the way i did. oh yes, i will.

nah, skrg to the real problem. Pak Tungka. the air i breathe, the beat of my heart, the one i love the most on this good earth.

....................

he actually notices that i have feelings for him! tapi it turns out that dy sendiri bimbang soal gw sendiri...

apa yg dy pikirin di atas td itu kan, kasarnya, sama aja dgn bilang nyadar deh, gret. lu itu terlalu muda buat gw. plis deh, mending get over me. but what can i say?? i chose to love him. it's purely my decision to love him. dan ngga cuma udah memilih untuk suka sama dy, i'm ready for all the consequences. you know what? gw rela deh, kehilangan semua masa muda gw, even my dreams, kalo gw emang bisa dapetin dy dengan cara tsb. sumpah.

oh ya, speaking of meninggalkan masa muda, td pas gw ke mal kelapa gading, gw lagi mo turun ke basement, dan gitu gw sampe d basement, mata gw langsung tertuju ke arah iklan billboard Breaking Dawn, dan mata gw langsung berhenti di tulisan, yg bunyinya kira2 gini: (boleh dicek deh, tulisannya emang ada kok)

'apakah Bella siap meninggalkan masa remajanya demi menjadi vampir dan rasa cintanya kepada Edward?'

tepat ketika gw lagi mikirin masalah yg sama.

i know, it sounds so hopelessly poetic. 

graduation day, a.k.a. my last day with him, cuma tinggal 90-an hari lagi. tapi gw udah pny planning. gw mo confess everything to him..... dan jujur aja, gw siap kok kalo ditolak abis2an sama dy. gw dah siap kok, kalo pas hari tsb, dy tiba2 bilang, i can't love you... or i have a girlfriend and i love her greatly.... or i'm getting married with my girlfriend... or we just simply don't work together....ato apapun deh! hey, gw ngga mau egois di dpn dia. dy pastinya lbh duluan kenal ceweknya drpd kenal gw, kan? so wouldn't it be too selfish if i asked him to leave his gf for me, a girl he knows for the last two years?

tugas gw:

1. minta maaf sama aline, ngga pduli mo gimana caranya. explicitly or implicitly.

2. seize every moment! we're meant to lose the people we love, dan dalam kasus gw, gw tau persis kapan akan kehilangan pak tungka, so i'm gonna make every occasion the most of it.

3. find a way on how to confess ALL of my feelings to him on that last day.... and how to cope with the aftermath. (try hard not to break down and cry hysterically, maksudnya)

4. pray, pray, pray. you know exactly how i feel for this guy, God. help me find the best way for both of us. hope is all i got right now, the thing that keeps me alive.